Will the Shock Ever be OVER?

Getting the news and being so far away was terrible. I couldn’t even cry at first all I could do is scream, throw things, call everyone close to me, and walk circles around my apartment like a zoo animal. I was in disbelief. Matt grabbed me and held me in his arms and said ‘I’m so sorry, whatever you need I am here”. Then the tears came and they haven’t stopped yet. While in disbelief I am calling my grandparents and brother & sister in-law every 5 min to see how they are, checking to make sure the news was real. All I wanted it to be was a nightmare. Finally I took some sleeping medication at 4am and woke up at 7 to my phone ringing. It was one of my mom’s best friends bawling. After I got off the phone with her I rolled over to Matt and said this was all a nightmare right? He held me tight and just cried with me. Being so far away was terrible, all I wanted to do was get in the car and start driving, but neither Matt nor I were in any condition to drive. So we had to wait till the next night to fly out. So I’m stuck all I want to be is there with my grandparents.

That morning is when it all starts, my phone was ringing and blinging off the hook. I hated it. The I’m so sorries, if you need anything, etc etc. it was so great to know I had so many people, but I hated it because I shouldn’t of been getting those messages. My mom was an amazing person, who was taken by a very bad person. Why was she taken. All I could keep saying was Why? Though I was getting all these messages I still couldn’t believe it. I just talked to her last night. So many people were there to console my family and I, but not the one person I wanted/needed. I needed my mom. No one has a hug, a laugh, or a smile like hers. No one.

Finally after what felt like forever, I got to my grandparents cabin and just hugged and cried with them. All that was missing was my brother and mom. I knew I would see my brother tomorrow, but I realized I would never see my mom again. The next few days were a blur. Talking to police, making arraignments, visitors, the list goes on. I would be holding up okay, then I would be a  loose canon, The cycle never stops. I was in shock, I still am in shock. I could not believe what was going on. I didn’t want to believe what was going on. At 23 years old and my brother 25 we should not be having to plan a celebration of life for our mom. It wasn’t her time yet. She still needed to be a grandmother, dance with me at my wedding, let me call her everyday, and be my mom for many more years to come.

Now its almost 5 months later. 5 months I have been in intense therapy, 4 months I have been back to work, 5 months of me having to go to bed and get up the next day. It’s not easy. The world doesn’t stop for you. I sometimes still think she is just on a vacation and I will hear from her soon. But I wont. I wont have “Mom” pop up on my phone as an incoming call ever again. I’m trying to get use to this new normal, that I have to move on with, but damn it’s hard. I had a dream a few nights ago. I was sitting on my grandparents front porch at the picnic table and she was there. (She is in my dreams all the time, thank god!) I said to her “I can’t do it here without you anyone, I’m going to end my time and join you”. She said to me “As much as I would like that, you have a lot of life ahead of you that you need to live. I’ll be watching and with you through it all.” I truly believe that is how my mom is going to talk to me now. This new normal and new life is not what I pictured or wanted, but I have to keep going. I don’t think the shock of loosing my mom will ever fade, but living everyday to its fullest is something I need to do for myself and for my mama bear.

Fly High My Angel Fly High

Domestic Violence Fact #3: October is domestic violence awareness month. Wear purple to raise awareness.

Fun Fact #3: There is no “Q” in any of the U.S state names!

P.S. I teamed up with Umbrella to do a story on mom for domestic violence awareness month. Go check it out in the Caledonia Record this week!

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