It took me till now to figure out my greatest fear. Change. Over the past 6 months there has been so much change. I hated it, and I mean I’m still not a huge fan of it, but I appreciate it. When I was younger I always said I loved change. Why? Because back then “change” to me was rearguing my bedroom or mom buying a new car. They were the little pieces of change, but never affected my life style, routine, or outlook of life.
Then fucking 2018 rolls around and makes me face my biggest fear. So much has changed this year. I lost my person, I moved, new job, new school, new therapist, and the list can go on and on and on. Change can be defeating. It can be overwhelming. There has been many times I have wanted to throw in the towel, say I give up, and move in with my brother or my best friends. But now I’m starting to get over that hump and starting to accept all these changes and slowly, but surely I’m starting to feel like me again. It takes time to accept change, it’s a whole new normal that I have to get use to.
I am proud of myself for keeping up with all this change as best as I can. Of course somedays I feel like I can barley keep my head above water with everything that was/is going on. But then I have nights like tonight, nothing planned except to sit on my couch, drink some wine, and watch a few good movies. It’s peaceful, it feels as though the world has stopped moving for a minute and I can reflect on all the challenges I have overcome in the past year. Then which has me also reflecting on how much I have grown on a personal level. Today I was joking with a friend and I said “Mama didn’t raise no bitch” and as funny and stupid that was to say, its true. I can’t be a little bitch through all these changes, or they will consume me then defeat me and mama would deff not be happy.
So now I keep going on. I keep waking up everyday not fearing change, but accepting it. We have no control over our life plan. As much as we may want to, there is so much out of our control. Once you have the ability to accept the things you can control and the things you cannot control, you will live a much happier life.
“Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is suppose to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is”.
Fly High My Angel Fly High
Love your baby girl ❤