I need you. Life changes are happening. I’m running in a million different directions. Christmas is coming. I’m questioning a lot in my life right now. But you’re not here. I hate leaving work because it was always my routine to call you on my way home everyday. Just to give you the 411 of the day, tell you anything new, vent, or just to say hi. But I can’t. I can’t call you and hear your voice, and it’s not our fault either. Why were you taken? Why don’t I have my mom? Why are you not here? WHY WHY WHY WHY.
A lot of people say I can still talk to you, yea I can, but you already know what’s going on. I want to talk to you and hear your voice. I want you to give me that confidence booster or a swift kick in the ass if I’m being ridiculous. I want, I want, I want. It’s hard accepting that none of these wants will ever come true. Talking to some people it helps a little, but I feel like I’m pestering them. I could call you 100 times in a day and still feel fine about it, even if you answered the phone with “What do you want now”. It’s something about the bond we shared that I never felt bad or guilty to reach out. Whether I was reaching out to tell you something small or big, I could always talk to you.
So how do I cope with this. Well for example, tonight has been absolute shit. So I’m sitting on my couch crying about life, then crying because I can’t have my mom to talk about life with. Then it pops up Ces is Facetiming me. With eyes full of tears I answer and say sorry having a moment. We chuckle, talk about my moment, talk about life. Brainstorm ideas of what mom would say. The tears come to a stop, the smile starts to come back, til eventually those eyes that were crying of sadness or now crying from the laughter. With Brit it’s the same way. Texting each other everyday the countdown til we see each other again. To cope with this I have my people that I want to share every detail of my life with and visa versa. It’s about taking advantage of the support we give one another. We call each other for stupid shit and we call each other for serious life difficulties. Just like I would with mom.
Thanksgiving was last week. Why did that monster take you away. I couldn’t have Thanksgiving with my mom. Not by choice. It wasn’t our choice for her to not be here. So again I start with the Whys. How did I manage Thanksgiving without her? I simply pretended it wasn’t Thanksgiving. I treated it as a regular day. I knew it wasn’t a regular day because I talked to all my family and friends. But I tried my damn best to not think of it as a holiday. Just a typical day. Maybe the couple glasses of wine help with that mindset 😉 But it worked for me, I enjoyed my day. Though finally when the night was coming to an end I got the “Bai, I know today was tough, how are you?”. Then I lost it. I tried not to cry, but it sucked to not get the wake up phone call of her going “Gobble gobble gobble”. It sucked not having her near or a phone call away. I honestly though was in a happy mood. I had a great day, and in the back of my mind all day was mom and I knew she was with me. Was this the right coping strategy? Just try to forget the holiday, I don’t know. But it help me deal with my first big holiday without her, so yes I guess it was the right one for me.
So many holidays are coming, so many changes are happening. It makes it hard, and I find myself asking why way more than I use to. But I also find myself really thinking about the positives more than I was. Are these coping strategies the right ones? I have no fucking clue. But do they work for me, yes they do. I think coping is a lot like grieving there is no right or wrong way to cope. I could just sit and cry and keep saying why all the time, but I know she would absolutely hate that. So I try not to cry when it’s the little things, I try to smile or laugh instead. This way I am a little more happy and get a little sense of relief that she’s happy that I’m happy. But do I cry? Duhh. Mama Swartz was not just a typical mom. She was my mom, my best friend, and a second mom to all of Tate & I’s friends. She is missed. So yes, I cry because I miss her, and many people cry because they miss her. But we also laugh, smile, and joke about all the amazing memories we had with her, and that helps us cope. Even though this is a terrible situation, the only way to live a “happy” life with this in it, is to stay as positive as we can.
Fly High My Angel Fly High