Losing a person in life is always hard. But losing a parent is the most miserable thing a child can go through. Whether you were anticipating the death or it happened suddenly, your life changes forever. One day you’re talking with them then the next you never get to speak to them again. The jealousy we face of others who still have what we once had, sucks. The wrenching pain in the throat and stomach we have every time we think to call them, sucks. Those dates and holidays that pop up and just tear us apart, suck. We have to learn how to keep going without that person who has been there since day 1 and try to make these things not suck so much.
When it first happened I felt like no one would understand how I felt. I thought people would think of me as “the girl who’s mom was murdered” and wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I pushed everyone away because I thought I’d be alone, so before people pushed me away I beat them to it. But I was totally wrong and I’m sorry to those who I pushed. Thank you to all who lost a parent and reached out to me to help me realize I will never be alone. Knowing I’m not alone or crazy and the feelings and thoughts I have are the same ones you faced. It has given me comfort and has helped me make progress. For those who feel the way I felt about being alone you’re not. Here’s my story about dealing without my mom. I hope it helps you relate and not feel so alone like I did at first.
When I lost my mom I had this moment where I realized that life doesn’t stop and the world just keeps going. I was cooped up for so many days and just in shock that I totally forgot about rest of the world. Then I finally went out and realized the world keeps going even if you aren’t. And the thought of joining it again is terrifying. We have to figure out our new normal of living day to day while carrying that void and pain. It’s not easy and somedays you just want to throw in the towel. But that’s not reality. Stay patient with yourself lean on your support team on those tough days. It’s going to take time to get use to this new normal. It’s been 8months and I feel like I’m just starting to understand my normal. It’s a process and sometimes you really feel like you’re making progress and then some shit hits the fan and you fall back. The new normal is not just about trying to figure out how to live without them, but to live a real happy life filled with emotions, events, and more. We will never have the same life as we did before they past. Though we can still have a great life if we choose to and I don’t know about you but I know that’s what my mom would want for me.
I’m 23 and life is definitely an adventure right now. Im trying to figure out where I want to be. What I want to do. And all those other fun life changes you face in your twenties. But I don’t have a parent to go to for support anymore. I just want a little advice to help point me in a direction. If anybody she was the one person who knew me better than I know myself. The other day my brother said, “Bai, we have each other, we’re all we got, we’re adult orphans”. That’s the truest thing I’ve heard in awhile. We don’t have that parental support anymore and holy fuck, it sucks. So now it’s about figuring out how to solve these adventures by ourself and reaching out to others who I typically wouldn’t. It’s definitely uncomfortable but there are so many people who are there.
The jealousy we have of others that still have family is unbearable at times. When my mom passed I would get so angry when people would say I’m going to see my mom. Or my family is having a dinner, you should come. I was so jealous. I want that. I want to have family dinners with my family. I want to go see my mom. But I can’t. After some time I was able to breathe and not be angry. Instead of getting angry I took that energy and turned it into something positive. Told those friends to go see their mom as much as they could. Go have as many family dinners as you can and hug every family member there. Reminding them to take full advantage because sometimes we never know when the last hug will be. Am I still jealous that they have something that I can’t, yea but that’s not fair to them and anger isn’t doing anyone any good.
Of course all the holidays and big events suck without your loved ones there. All the traditions aren’t the same it’s all so different and uncomfortable. I’ve almost been through my first year of all the holidays without her. This year I coped by ignoring most of the holidays. I know I can’t do that every year, but it’s an adjustment. It’s going to take a few years to get use to this “new normal” of holidays without her. Then you have all those big events in the future where you always pictured them to be at. Now you second guess if you should even have them at all because they were suppose to be a huge part of it and now you can’t share it with them. Maybe time will help decide to have them, I don’t know but it’s just another thing we children face that sucks.
Then there is the number. It’s a date every month that you hate. My number is 15. I hate the number 15. It’s the day my mom died and it’s the date of her marriage. I hate it and feel like it haunts me at times. It’s that one day every month that I go to write the date on my whiteboard at work and start to sob or just fully skip writing it. It’s a reminder of the terrible deck of cards I’ve been handed. It’s a rush of emotions and memories that just take the breath right out of me.
What I’ve learned already through this is that it’s okay to smile and laugh still. Yes, this was a terrible thing that happened, but we have 2 options. Let it be a part of our life or let it consume our life. I chose to let it be a part of my life. Some days are easier than others, but life is still going on and there is still so much to experience. I appreciate life more than I ever have and live on in honor of my mom. Really living with the theory that life is an adventure and I need to explore it as much as I can. This has taught me that I don’t have to have the “typical” life. I don’t have to have a plan all the time. Just breathe and take advantage of the present and not stress out too much about the future or regret times from the past. Those were lessons learned and life is short, and as cliché as it might sound try to live life to its fullest you never know when it’ll end.
I will always be grateful for the time I had with my mom. I will continue to grow because of all the lessons she taught me over the 22 years I had with her. Hanging onto to those lessons and memories of her are what help the hard times. For people who are reading this that still have family call them and tell them you love them. Hug them. You never know when the end will come and when it does all your left with is the memories. Take full advantage of the now and create as many memories as you can. Because us who have unfortunately lost our loved one, we would do anything for just one more hug or phone call.
Fly High My Angel Fly High 💛