At this point life was great, I saw this super cute boy in my Human Rights class in college. Of course I called my mom to tell her all about this guy I knew nothing about. Next thing you know one night I’m having margaritas with a mutual friend of ours and ending it kissing THE CUTE BOY! The first time I brought him home to meet my family my mom goes, “hi, are you the cute boy in Bailey’s class”…(talk about blushing and being embarrassed!) We left that evening and he told me how awesome my family was, how I’m a spitting image of my mom, and how down to earth we were. I was soo happy. Our relationship continued into our senior year we were so happy and getting ready to graduate and make a big move.
Well one Saturday morning we are waking up and I get a call from my dad crying. Saying he messed up. I had no idea what was going on, he said to meet mom at my aunt and uncle’s house and she will tell me. He just kept repeating he was sorry and he made mistake. As the news broke I found out my dad this guy who I thought I knew embezzled from where he was working. I knew he had a drinking problem and ya, I couldn’t stand most of the time, but at the end of the day he was still my dad so I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. I was so confused to why he lost his job because so many stories were being told.
Living in a small town of course the rumors started. He would never tell us the story of why he was fired. Was it because he didn’t want us to know to protect us in case the feds asked us? was he ashamed? it drove all of us nuts that we heard bits and pieces of it, but never actually knew. Long story short he was fired and being investigated for embezzlement.
Well this is when the drinking got absolutely terrible. My mom was embarrassed, hated going out in public, even though she knew nothing about anything that was going on. She always said people stare at me, they judge me. I told her to tell them to fuck off, but she said “that would be rude” 😉 Then when she got home she had to deal with a drunk husband. Obviously she was dealing with way to much. He had nothing to do all day, no place would hire him because he was being investigated for embezzlement. So he coped with his feelings by alcohol. We all tried to help him get into rehabs, therapy, all those things, but you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change. They can only change themselves and they need to want to change. I believe he didn’t want to change.
This is where it broke me. I wanted to help. I wanted to fix him. He is broken. It destroyed me, my family, my relationship, etc. I was getting depressed, angry, etc that I lost my dad. He was turning into a severe alcoholic and someone I didn’t want to be around. He finally got a job in New York and moved there, I moved to Pennsylvania, and mom stayed home in Vermont. Well I thought I was ready for my move to PA, I told my boyfriend the old Vermont bullshit was behind me, I’m ready to move forward in life. Well I thought wrong. Hearing my mom and how depressed and tired she was from this monster calling and texting her terrible abusive messages, and saying accusations about her, and financial stress, but most of all she wanted to make everyone else around her happy while she was disintegrating. So I was calling her all the time crying with her. We were both trying to change things out of our control. I started taking my frustration out on my boyfriend. I stopped contact with this monster and my mother tried to, but it was more a legal thing than anything to stop contact. Luckily my boyfriend had enough patience to understand and help me, but it was not fair that he had to deal with all of this and have my physical body in PA, but my mind in VT. It was a shitshow to say the least, but slowly its getting back.
As the months went on this guy who was once my dad became a total stranger to my brother and I. Neither of us had talked to him in months. My last conversation with him was telling him if he changes he can be back in my life, but until then he needs to work on himself. Well the change never happened, so I never talked to him again. My mom though, I talked to her every single day if not more than once everyday. She was my person, shit she is still my person. Though this monster was so jealous of that. He was so angry that she had a great relationship with her kids and he did have a relationship at all.
The next thing I knew I was on the phone with my mom laughing & chit chatting, then an hour later I’m getting a nightmare call from my grandmother. My mom was killed. This monster couldn’t fix himself and was so angry with himself and jealous he couldn’t have his children, so I suppose he thought she couldn’t either. I lost my mom. I lost my best friend, hero, rock, role model, jello shot maker, life of the party, but most importantly this baby girl lost her mama bear. He took her, how could he do this? The rage I feel, I can’t even explain. She didn’t deserve this, never in a million years. Why didn’t he die from his gun shot, but she did? It’s not fair. Why? It’s a question I keep finding myself saying. WHY? WHY THE FUCK IS IT OKAY FOR YOU TO TAKE MY MOM. Let me answer that, it’s not okay, never will okay. Now so many people are broken because of YOU, you took the life of the sunshine in our lives.
Each day gets harder and easier at the same time. How? Harder because I don’t have my mom to talk to. Yes, I know I can talk to her, but god dammit I want her to respond. I called her every day on my way home from work and now I can’t. Yes, I can call others, but its not the same. And its harder because life keeps going on. The world does not stop. Fortunately I have had an amazing support system that makes these hard days easier and that is how each day gets a little easier. I’m starting to get use to this “new normal” of mine.
Now you know the “short” version of why and how I’m in this “hole”. How do I keep getting up everyday? How do I keep eating and sleeping at night? How do I talk about this tragedy and without hesitation talk about domestic violence. Well keep reading because that’s going to be in the next few posts.
Fly high my angel, fly high ❤