It’s not getting any easier. I think this has been the worst week yet. Realizing its been 6 months. Six months since I talked with my mom. Six months since I laughed with my mom. Six months that I haven’t been able to see her, call her or hug her. I keep finding myself saying “Why?”. Wishing I could turn back the clocks and do so much different. But having to accept that is not possible is the hardest thought I fight everyday. All the what ifs that run through my mind.
So much has changed in my personal life in the past two weeks and I don’t have my mom to call and share all the good and all the challenges with. I can never hear my mom say she is proud of me again. I get so excited about this next chapter I am starting. I go from smiling and laughing to full on crying and screaming. I haven’t randomly screamed in anger until this week, I just scream to get the thoughts off my chest. And holy shit does it feel good when I do. But it doesn’t make the pain go away.
With Thanksgiving coming up I sat down and said I can easily say well fuck, this year has been a nightmare I have nothing to be grateful for. But then I hear my mom’s voice saying “It’s not about who’s not here, it’s about who is here”. I use to really like that saying, but knowing its not her choice to be here or not makes me question it, but I know she is still saying it. So I sat on my couch and started to make a list of what I actually have to be thankful for. What it mostly consisted of is the times and memories I have with her, my family I still have left, my friends, my students, a career, place to live, etc. So yes, I do still have a lot to be thankful for, but it still hurts.
It hurts so much I hate talking about. I can really only text my sister-in-law deeply about how I feel. She is really the only person who I have really dived into my pain with. But I have to text her I can’t talk about it because then the pain is out loud and I’m not ready for that. I know I have pushed people away, but this is how I am grieving. It’s not you, it me. I don’t like to talk. I HATE the “how are you” question. You know who I can talk to the most about this with? It’s old friends who have said if you need me call me. I have probably called 5 different people this week that I haven’t talked to in forever screamed on the phone and haven’t talked to them since. Why do I prefer this than someone who is close to me? Truth is because I know these people care, but they don’t know my day to day and they just listen let me get it out, then I get off the phone and feel a little better. Send them a thanks for listening text and thats it. (P.S. to these people I hope you held the phone away from your ear and your eardrums are still intact, and I greatly appreciate it) One day this will pass, but right now I need my space. I really need to work on myself. I tried opening up to family friends and they meant well, but I felt judged. They wanted to give me their opinion of my life, grief and then tried to explain how I feel but I can’t handle that right now. And I know no one is judging me about this but I get that uncomfortable feeling. I am not the same chatter box I use to be. No longer the girl who wanted to see everyone all the time. I’m trying to get back there, but right now I need time and space.
So I wanted to share this one thing. Grief is fucking terrible. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and with the 6 month time frame being Thursday and the holidays coming up it makes it wayyyyyyy worse. I truly know you mean well but it hurts. Many people have been reaching out, sending me pictures of a sunflower Christmas tree, sunflower stockings, and I’ve been invited to probably 20 different Thanksgivings. I know everyone is trying to be supportive. They are trying to cheer me up, but right now it does the opposite. The first time I saw the sunflower tree I said aww thats nice. Now that the holidays are around the corner, every time I see it, it breaks me. It’s a reminder that I wont have my mom for the holidays. Or for any other holiday. I want to say thank you for thinking of my mom and I, I truly appreciate it. Though this pain and emptiness makes it hard to see things like that. I’m trying to stay positive, but sometimes I have to wave the flag and surrender.
I guess what I really want to stress to everyone is that grief is DRASTICALLY different for everyone. My brother and I had the same mom, and both of us are grieving differently and that okay. This is the part I’m at and I want everyone to know that there are different stages. But my grief will never “heal”. Life will eventually become a new normal. Its about making these hard days not as hard. As difficult as this is I try to smile and laugh throughout the day. I mean that is what mom wants me to do, it will help me get closer to that new normal and I want to be positive a happy person like she was. If I don’t look for the positives in the situations I will end up in a black hole and that is not a place I need to be. So thank you all, thank you all for letting me grieve the way I need.
One thought on “I know you are trying to help…”
I am so sorry for your loss I can not imagine how you feel. I lost my grandmother who helped raised me two years ago and that alone sent me into a horrible depression along with some other things that happen to me I was couch locked for 2 years. Your right every one does grieve differently and for a different amount of time. The best thing you are doing is writing it down getting it out and not letting it eat you alive. Even if you can’t talk to anyone you are still acknowledging those feelings and not pushing them down and locking them away. I know it hurts and I can’t say when or if it will get better but there are people who will be there for you and listen and give advice.
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