It’s not getting any easier. I think this has been the worst week yet. Realizing its been 6 months. Six months since I talked with my mom. Six months since I laughed with my mom. Six months that I haven’t been able to see her, call her or hug her. I keep finding myself saying “Why?”. Wishing I could turn back the clocks and do so much different. But having to accept that is not possible is the hardest thought I fight everyday. All the what ifs that run through my mind.
So much has changed in my personal life in the past two weeks and I don’t have my mom to call and share all the good and all the challenges with. I can never hear my mom say she is proud of me again. I get so excited about this next chapter I am starting. I go from smiling and laughing to full on crying and screaming. I haven’t randomly screamed in anger until this week, I just scream to get the thoughts off my chest. And holy shit does it feel good when I do. But it doesn’t make the pain go away.
With Thanksgiving coming up I sat down and said I can easily say well fuck, this year has been a nightmare I have nothing to be grateful for. But then I hear my mom’s voice saying “It’s not about who’s not here, it’s about who is here”. I use to really like that saying, but knowing its not her choice to be here or not makes me question it, but I know she is still saying it. So I sat on my couch and started to make a list of what I actually have to be thankful for. What it mostly consisted of is the times and memories I have with her, my family I still have left, my friends, my students, a career, place to live, etc. So yes, I do still have a lot to be thankful for, but it still hurts.
It hurts so much I hate talking about. I can really only text my sister-in-law deeply about how I feel. She is really the only person who I have really dived into my pain with. But I have to text her I can’t talk about it because then the pain is out loud and I’m not ready for that. I know I have pushed people away, but this is how I am grieving. It’s not you, it me. I don’t like to talk. I HATE the “how are you” question. You know who I can talk to the most about this with? It’s old friends who have said if you need me call me. I have probably called 5 different people this week that I haven’t talked to in forever screamed on the phone and haven’t talked to them since. Why do I prefer this than someone who is close to me? Truth is because I know these people care, but they don’t know my day to day and they just listen let me get it out, then I get off the phone and feel a little better. Send them a thanks for listening text and thats it. (P.S. to these people I hope you held the phone away from your ear and your eardrums are still intact, and I greatly appreciate it) One day this will pass, but right now I need my space. I really need to work on myself. I tried opening up to family friends and they meant well, but I felt judged. They wanted to give me their opinion of my life, grief and then tried to explain how I feel but I can’t handle that right now. And I know no one is judging me about this but I get that uncomfortable feeling. I am not the same chatter box I use to be. No longer the girl who wanted to see everyone all the time. I’m trying to get back there, but right now I need time and space.
So I wanted to share this one thing. Grief is fucking terrible. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and with the 6 month time frame being Thursday and the holidays coming up it makes it wayyyyyyy worse. I truly know you mean well but it hurts. Many people have been reaching out, sending me pictures of a sunflower Christmas tree, sunflower stockings, and I’ve been invited to probably 20 different Thanksgivings. I know everyone is trying to be supportive. They are trying to cheer me up, but right now it does the opposite. The first time I saw the sunflower tree I said aww thats nice. Now that the holidays are around the corner, every time I see it, it breaks me. It’s a reminder that I wont have my mom for the holidays. Or for any other holiday. I want to say thank you for thinking of my mom and I, I truly appreciate it. Though this pain and emptiness makes it hard to see things like that. I’m trying to stay positive, but sometimes I have to wave the flag and surrender.
I guess what I really want to stress to everyone is that grief is DRASTICALLY different for everyone. My brother and I had the same mom, and both of us are grieving differently and that okay. This is the part I’m at and I want everyone to know that there are different stages. But my grief will never “heal”. Life will eventually become a new normal. Its about making these hard days not as hard. As difficult as this is I try to smile and laugh throughout the day. I mean that is what mom wants me to do, it will help me get closer to that new normal and I want to be positive a happy person like she was. If I don’t look for the positives in the situations I will end up in a black hole and that is not a place I need to be. So thank you all, thank you all for letting me grieve the way I need.