Have you ever been so fed up with reality. Questioning what makes you happy? What makes you, you? Am I doing this adulting thing right? Am I immature or mature for my age? How do I know if I have my shit together? Or is my life just a joke? Well that was me. People keep asking What is new? What’s going on in life? My typical response: Professionally my life is great, personally my life is a joke. Ever since I havn’t had my mom to call and check in with to make sure I was doing the right thing. I’ve been really hard on myself. Not that she told me I’m doing good or bad at life, but to get her advice on what I am doing is what I miss. I need to start evaluating my life by me, but how do I do that when I have always had someone to help me with that? I needed a breather from reality, I needed some time to think, time to just relax, lay in bed all day, have a few drinks, and just escape. I have nothing holding me down, so randomly I booked a flight and I went to Florida for a few days. I was able to escape from reality, be in warm weather, and enjoy this “holiday” in a way I wanted to. Not having to go anywhere or please anyone, just chillen out and doing me.
While being here I had time to think by myself and talk & facetime with friends. The first question I wanted to answer for myself was, What makes me happy? Well obviously, I have things like family and friends that make me happy. But personally what actually makes me happy? Adventure, adventure makes me happy. In the past 2 years I would of never just booked a random flight to Florida by myself, but look at me, here I am, and I haven’t stopped smiling since I’ve been here. So step one for a healthier mindset is to add more adventure in my life. It doesn’t have to be as crazy as going to another state, but it does mean I need to start doing more things for myself and stop pleasing everyone else around me first. Stop letting small things hold me back, we only live once. Go live it.
The next few questions go together: (Am I doing this adulting thing right? Am I immature or mature for my age? How do I know if I have my shit together?) Somedays I’m like look at me, I’m 23, have an awesome job in my field of work, my own place, my own bills, and friends to talk to and laugh with. But then other days I’m like well I’m 23 shouldn’t I know where I want to live, what my next steps are, am I grieving the right way or in an annoying way, don’t want to bother/annoy people, etc. This “adult life” should come with some checklists, rubrics, and a grading system. I would be able to assess myself and get the answers to these questions very quickly. I was telling a friend yesterday that I just don’t know if I am mature enough for my age, he pointed out multiple things, I moved out of VT, I have a good job, my own place, pay my own bills, etc etc. That I need to stop thinking I’m immature for my age. So yes it would be easier for me to have a check list to assess if I’m doing all this right but that’s probably just the teacher in me. This whole being a grown up thing is not black and white, but I wake up every day trying to be better than I was the day before, remembering the good I have done, learning from the not so good, and living in the moment.
I think we tend to get so wrapped up in the what we are striving for, what we should have done, and the questioning of whether we are right or wrong. But in all reality we should be proud of what we have accomplished, happy where we are, and striving to complete our future goals. So did I need this little adventure maybe not necessarily, but it really helped me understand how I can get back to my old confident, happier self. I was able to realize with a little help/advice from friends that yeah life has sucked at times, but I’m still going. I still have a happy life I want to live and dreams I want to make a reality someday. It’s okay to not know exactly where I want to live or if I’m doing everything the right way. It’s about living in the moment, being happy in the moment and always striving to reach your goals. Mama didn’t raise no bitch or quitter. So how do I do all this happy positive stuff when I have a dark cloud above me? I turn that cloud into sun, and live on in her honor with the guidance she taught me and a shot of tequila here and there for a little pick me up. That is how I will get back2bailey.
Fly High My Angel Fly High